October 3, 2010

I sit and can feel it coming... I've been ignoring it for a few weeks now. But of course its now upon me and I guess I have to deal with it, my feelings, my emotions, my reality. I kinda wish I didnt have to, just keep busy enough, dont think about it.It all goes away then.. Right?!?!?!?

This year I am trying to look for the joy in it. Sunday would have been her 67th Birthday..... This time 2 years ago we celebrated as a family, we had a party, watched a Charger Game (they won by the way) . I will never forget watching her jump up and down cheering them on. Its embedded in my memory. We gave her a locket of a clipping of each of our hair. Her lineage, her family, her future generation. What else do you give someone that is facing death. No worldly possession matters much, just us, that was all she wanted. Little did we know it would be the last gift we gave her. The last time we celebrated together.
In the 2 years since, we each have had to come to terms with what our life with her meant, what we miss, what we wish we would have changed, and what the future looks like with out a mother. No matter how close or not so close you are, there is a strange feeling and reality in losing a parent....

But now we are here, and in this 2 years we have gotten together as a family, sometimes strained, sometimes painful. But each of us is trying!!! It has been wonderful! The day before my mom died I whispered to her that we were gonna be ok, we were gonna be together as a family and have peace. I promised her I would make sure of it!!! Since that day I have spent Thanksgiving and Easter with my sisters and Dad for the 1st time since I was probably 6. I had a weekend away hanging out with my kids and My Dad and Lindy, and this weekend for the first time in a very long time My 3 sisters and I are going to lunch together to celebrate my mothers Birthday!!!! and the biggest part of that is my one sister who feels like an outsider, initiated it!!! : ) I can not wait! My mom would be so happy.... God is faithful!!!! I plan to enjoy every moment, to reflect, to take it all in, and pray that as we come upon the 2 year mark of her passing that this will only be the beginning of 4 daughters sharing, and loving each other the way we are supposed to, like we use to!